SARA MOHAMMADI

News Center - Marital rape and violence against women have no boundaries and are committed all around the world. Violence has many forms such as physical, mental, psychological and economic violence and it attacks women’s private and public lives. Marital rape is a form of violence against women which puts women’s health, families and society in danger.

Despite UN and international community warnings about the need for governments to take measures to eliminate this phenomenon, in many countries, including Iran, there is no specific law prohibiting and preventing marital rape.

Among the traditional strata of society, many women, even they themselves are not aware of the phenomenon of rape by their spouses, and despite the physical, mental and emotional pain and suffering, don’t feel they have the right to express their emotions because it still is a social taboo.

The effect of this phenomenon on women in this form of violence is quite serious. Experiencing rape from someone they once loved is extremely painful. In this form of rape, men use their power, personal, social and psychological influence to engage in unwanted intercourse with their wives.

Sexual harassment against women causes women to suffer more due to religious and traditional beliefs and discriminatory that are unwritten in laws. Women are neither able to speak up to their spouses nor they can escape from it for many reasons such as protecting their dignity. Also they have no choice but to give in to their husbands wishes (which are mentioned as marital duties in traditional and religious societies) due to the obvious and hidden personal, family and social pressures.

Women bear violence and rape by their spouses for many reasons; to protect their children, fear of being subjected to more violence, lack of financial security, fear of losing their reputation and family support.

This form of violence is common in Iran and there is no law protecting women from it. According to law and religion, satisfying men is one of women’s duties. According to official documents, rape or forced intercourse occurs in almost 40 to 45 percent of marriages that include verbal and physical abuses.

NuJINHA spoke to Bahar, a woman who was subjected to sexual harassment by her husband, and psychologist Sara Naderi about the consequences, reasons and solutions to eliminate this social phenomenon.

Bahar-N is one of the thousand women, who are subjected to marital rape. She told her tense life story to us.

Bahar got a divorce from her first husband after her joined an extreme Islamic group

Speaking about her first marriage, she said, “I lived in a village where girls should be married by 17. A relative proposed to me when I was 15, my family was in a bad financial state, my father had just built our house, which later collapsed. My parents didn’t disagree with the marriage and I accepted his proposal because I thought I could overcome poverty in that way.”

After a short period, her husband joined an extreme Islamic group in a region known as Wahhabism: “We got married after two months of being engaged. My husband also wasn’t in a good financial state, he was a laborer, so we started living in his father’s basement. He joined Wahhabi group meetings a few weeks after our marriage.”

She spoke about her husband’s strictness referring to the fact that Wahhabism was new in their region. He wouldn’t even let her visit her parents and this caused their divorce: “After a while he forced me to wear a veil and did not let me leave the house. I wasn’t even allowed to visit my parents even though my parents’ house and my house were close to each other in the same village. I couldn’t cope with his strict behavior and I moved back to my parents’ house after two months. I told my parents that I would not go back even if they killed me. I got divorced in less than two months. My father had to pay my husband’s family for the divorce despite his bad financial situation.”

“I got married with my second husband with high hopes but I was subjected to sexual violence on the first night”

Bahar continued to tell her story of her second marriage and talked about the poverty the people of the region suffer from. “Six months after my divorce, I got married to Aram, who was known as a funny guy in the whole village. My parents agreed and so did I. I got married. Aram was also a laborer; the people of our village work as laborers, collect "banish (an herb)" in the mountains, or work as a Kolbar, cross-border labor, because they are not educated. Our village only has an elementary school and families have to send their children to nearby villages for middle school or they would have to quit school and start working.”

Bahar told us that she saw her fiancé only a few times in the presence of her family. “We got married after a short while. I only saw him in the presence of my family a few times while we were engaged. He had rented a small 60 meters’ house in the town. I was happy to move to the town with high hopes.”

But she was subjected to humiliation and violence on the first night of their marriage and she was hospitalized. “On the first night, he told me “you’re not a virgin, you should be ok with having sex right now.” I was so upset by his behavior but I didn’t say anything. He didn’t let me sleep that night. I was in pain and bleeding but he didn’t pay attention. My whole body was in pain the next morning. I felt the world collapsing. I visited the doctor that afternoon, she told me I was seriously wounded and I needed to get stitches.”

Despite her severe pain and the doctor’s emphasis on not having sex in two weeks, her husband forced her to have sex on the third day: “I said I was in pain but he didn’t listen to me at all and he didn’t care about anything other than his own pleasure.”

“My husband told me that women are like trash cans, you should empty yourself in them”

Although Bahar only graduated from elementary school, she was well aware of differences between men and women in sexual relationships and thought that sex shouldn’t control her whole life. She told us that she doesn’t deny having sex with her husband but if the relationship between a man and a woman in a marriage is only limited to sexual relations, it’s only unfair to the woman.

“Men and women are not the same. Women do not always have the ability and satisfaction for having sex. As days passed, I hoped that things would get better. But his thoughts and behaviors were still the same,” she said.

Bahar got pregnant in the three months of her second marriage. “I had a hard pregnancy. Aram made me have sex every night despite my pregnancy problems. Although four years had passed from our marriage, he had sex with me every night even if I did not want to. Sometimes he forced me to have sex with him during the day when he was at home or came back from work.”

Bahar told us that her husband got his satisfaction even if she was on her period. His sexual violence influenced her so deeply that despite the fact that she was religious woman, she got mad and said: “Once I was so sad, I told myself that if there is god, I will ask god why I was created as a woman when I die.”

Bahar spoke with frustration about the ugly sentences she heard while having sex with her husband. “He told me that women are like trash cans, you should empty yourself in them. They are useless other than this. He asked me to have sex with him for buying stuff for my daughter and myself.”

Aesthetic genital plastic surgery was the worst violence faced by Bahar

Verbal violence was not only violence used by Bahar’s husband against her. Bahar was even forced to have aesthetic genital plastic surgery by her husband. “The surgery was harder than giving birth. He did not give me and my daughter any money if I did not have sex with him the night before. Or he got mad and shouted me to have sex with him whenever he wanted.

Bad life conditions and non-stop violence forced Bahar to think of committing suicide but she did not want to leave her daughter alone in this patriarch world like any mother and protect her little daughter “One day I poured oil on myself in the yard to self-immolate, my daughter's innocent eyes made me regret it.”

Bahar’s daughter is now three years old and she does anything her husband wants from her to protect her daughter. “He doesn't even have mercy for his own daughter. He misbehaves her so much that I am ready to do anything to keep him satisfied in order to protect my daughter.”

The lack of family support has hurt Bahar the most. Families who sacrifice their daughters and consider submission as one of women's duties. Her mother, like any other mothers living in a patriarchal society do not let her speak up. “When I told my mother how Aram treated me, she told me ‘Men are all the same. Be patient for your daughter's sake. You have already got divorced once, no one will marry you if you divorce again.”

After listening to Bahar's story, we interviewed an expert on this issue, so that we may prevent other women from experiencing such violence, because Bahar is not the only woman, who is subjected to martial rape in the spring of her life.

We spoke to psychologist Sarah Naderi about the effect of marital rape on women.

What are the reasons for sexual violence against married women?

Marital rape and sexual violence can have multiple reasons. One is mental health problems suffered by men. Economic problem is another reason. The reason for sexual violence is different in each family and it depends on the family, economic and psychological background of the person. But most sexual violence caused by psychological problems.

Another reason for sexual violence is one's ignorance, lack of education in the family and society about how to behave sexually.

Can we say that men who use sexual violence are the victims of sexual violence themselves ?

Yes, it has been seen in several cases that the men, who use sexual violence against their wives had experienced sexual violence in their childhood, not always of course. A large number of these people were either victims of violence or witnessed violence in their families and society.

What are the psychological effects of sexual violence on women?

Sexual violence has lots of irreparable effects on one’s mental health. It can cause depression, stress and anxiety, discouragement from sexual relations and disillusionment with life, and they also may lead the victim to show the same behavior towards others, specially their children. Unfortunately, sexual violence has lots of cause effects in our society because it’s still a taboo and it’s not mentioned.

Why are women facing sexual violence usually afraid of mentioning it?

One of the important reasons is that women don’t want to mention this issue because they may be mistakenly interpreted as veiling and modesty in our society.

Another reason is that society's acceptance of this issue is very low, and the normalization of this issue in society makes women afraid of expressing the problems faced by them.

 

And sometimes fear of the spouse and fear of being judged makes them not talk about it. Sometimes the helplessness is learned, these women come to the point of view that they have to endure this violence until they die.

What are the effects of sexual and domestic violence on children, families and society?

Sexual violence has a direct effect on children’s mental health. The coldness of parents' relationship, frequent fights, and mother's depression causes the child to stay away from her/his parents and family. And instead of being a safe space, the family becomes a place full of stress. Children of these families grow up to be victims or perpetrators of violence.

Society is a group consisting of families and if there is no security and peace in the families, the same routine will continue in society.

As we observe, our society is filled with addictions, divorces and domestic violence and one of the reasons is that families, as the foundation of society, have not been able to solve their problems.

Why do not the government, society and families keep silent against gender-based violence instead of trying to eliminate it?

The government and society try to ignore issues in the cases that are hard to solve. Women of our society have learned to keep quiet and don’t have the courage to defend themselves against violence.

The government doesn’t empower women’s economically to eliminate violence against women. And from a social point of view, violence against women is considered as taboo that should remain untold.

Do women go to psychiatrists or legal authorities on this matter?

The number of women who express their spouses’ sexual violence is low and even if they visit an expert, most of the time they don’t mention sexual violence as the main problem.

For example, patients, who go to psychologists in order to get rid of depression, sometimes have sexual violence problems.

Are there any statistics on the rate of sexual violence?

No there isn’t because victims of violence don’t report violence against them to legal authorities and don’t express this problem and don’t defend their rights. Another reason for the lack of statistics is that there is no definition of sexual violence against a spouse in society and law.

What are your recommended strategies to prevent domestic and sexual violence against women by their husbands?

The first solution is to raise awareness of the public about gender-based violence. Teaching children to say no is one of the biggest ways to prevent them from becoming victims of violence and perpetrating violence.

Second solution is to acceptation of this phenomenon instead of ignoring it and the definition of sexual violence in the judicial system. The judicial system must accept the fact that sexual violence against women happens in families and is an issue in the society.